Lockdown

Lockdown
Panic
Overwhelmed
Make a plan
Masks create revenue
Find God amidst the storm
Learn to trust Him for daily bread
Learn to trust for provision
Learn to live one day at a time
Learn…
Learn that my fears are nothing
Learn to put my hand in His hand
Learn that my pride stands in my way
Learn to be dependent only on Him
God uses people to provide
But He is the provider
He is the source
He is my source
He is my shelter
He is my protector
He is the Alpha and the Omega
The same yesterday, today and forever
The song in my heart started as a stifled sob
Rising tentatively, daily
Resisting the fear that lurked in the shadows
Rising to a symphony of praise
I understand that God provides
In spite of my unbelief
In spite of my small faith
In spite of my stumbling steps
I have cast my burdens onto Jesus
My load is light
My heart is overflowing
My daily walk is my worship

Corona

In Daniel Chapter 3 Daniel’s friends are in peril of dying as they had been sentenced to be thrown into the fiery furnace for not bowing down to the golden statue.

Daniel 3:16-18, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.”

 

This made me think about the Corona Virus. I’m sure I don’t have to go into any explanations about it. The world has done a pretty good job of sowing fear.  Now, obviously we aren’t going to find the term “Corona Virus” in the Bible. I have seen some very involved discussions about meanings of the words and Biblical references. This is what I believe.

 

Daniel’s friends could have succumbed to fear when their death sentence was proclaimed. They could have decided to go and bow to the stupid statue. They could have renounced their faith. They could have been a blubbering heap of terror and begged the king for mercy. But they didn’t. They decided to trust their God. They put all their faith in Him and never wavered. They were not afraid. Now just imagine that. There was this huge fire and they were about to be thrown into it. Not walking over hot coals or something mild like that. They were on the brink of being cremated alive!! They don’t flinch. They tell the king that God will save them. And even if He doesn’t save them from the furnace, He will save them from the king. In other words, if they die the king won’t be able to persecute them anymore, and they will be in heaven.
Just so it ought to be with us. God will deliver believers from the Corona Virus. And if He doesn’t and we get infected He will heal us, but even if He doesn’t and we die, we will go to Heaven.  Therefore there is no reason whatsoever to fear. Are you afraid of going to Heaven? I know that I’m not. I am not going to allow a virus to keep me in fear and bondage and hold me hostage when I have a God who is stronger than all the viruses put together. Just like those Jewish boys said they will not serve the foreign Gods, I have no intentions whatsoever of serving fear.  I am going to carry on as  normal and I will praise God regardless.

Do it your way

I recently put a challenge out to read through the Bible in a year. One of my friends had already started and it is so inspiring to hear that. A while ago I was speaking to a minister who said that it wasn’t a good idea to read through the Bible in a year because then you don’t have the time for in-depth study. It made me think about all the times I have started something very enthusiastically and someone came along and threw cold water over it. A remark made by a person, no matter how well-meaning it was, has the capability of causing your plans to die a sudden death. It literally feels like you’ve been told that you are on the wrong track and that you should rather follow the road everyone else is taking. On the topic of reading the Bible and how to read the Bible, I have found the following:
2 Timothy 3:16-17, All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.
It says ALL scripture is breathed out by God and profitable. It doesn’t say that Scripture is profitable when it is studied in small sections, or only when it it memorised.
Don’t allow people to put you off of anything that you want to do; that thing that’s in your heart that you believe God put there and that is your passion. I was speaking to a lady yesterday who said that her brother was so artistic and his dream was to study art. Their mother refused to allow him to do it because she said all artists struggle, and that he had to study for an academic degree. The result is that he studied, found a job, and years later he still does not practise art at all. My daughter told me yesterday that a woman who was due to retire at the end of next month had a heart attack and died. She was very stressed in her job. I couldn’t help thinking that she possibly had some kind of passion which had been suppressed and it made me so sad to think about all the lost potential. Maybe she should have been a ballet dancer or an astronaut. Who knows? And its too late for her now. We have to realize that what people think, their opinions, have to be weighed carefully. We cannot just accept every word spoken by people. Remember that just like us, they also sometimes say things that they haven’t thought about carefully. Also, things that work for me, may not work for you. We cannot generalize, especially when it comes to personal preferences. Each person is unique, no two are the same and we need to respect that. Just because a lawyer or a doctor earn a lot of money, doesn’t mean we should all try to become, or encourage our children to become doctors or lawyers. Each person has worth, and is worthy of their own destiny that was ordained by God before the beginning of time. Who are we to decide for others how they should do things.
Isaiah 51:12, I, I am he who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid of man who dies, of the son of man who is made like grass…
We are not allowed to be afraid of the opinions of people. We can take them into consideration, and in prayer ask God if He has a hand in what they are saying, but we are not to allow them to keep us from what God has for us.

Isaiah 40:8, The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.
Colossians 3:16, Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Getting back to the way we read the Bible, yes, we are to teach each other what the Word says, and definitely share scripture and what God is saying to us, but we cannot tell someone that they aren’t reading the Bible correctly when they are really making a concerted effort. Some people will not read through the whole Bible in a year just because it isn’t their way of doing it. Others will read vast amounts daily and eat the words like sweets. That’s just the way it is.

What rights do Christians have?

When my children were still living at home they were free to help themselves to whatever was available. If they were hungry they could open the fridge and find food to eat, or cook themselves something if that was their choice. Their friends that visited didn’t have the same freedom, just as my children didn’t have at their friend’s homes.  I’ve often heard sermons that say that’s the same with God’s children. We should have access to everything that God has because we are His children. We aren’t visitors who have to ask permission to get something. So I started questioning what we are entitled to as children of God.

The first thing that comes to mind is security. As children of God we do not have to fear. In fact, we aren’t allowed to fear. We do not have to fear people, we do not have to fear being attacked or hurt because God said so.

2 Timothy 1:7, For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Romans 8:15, For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Deuteronomy 20:3, And shall say unto them, Hear, O Israel, ye approach this day unto battle against your enemies: let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them;

We have the absolute right to walk in freedom. God said so in His Word.

We also have the right not to worry. Worry and fear aren’t the same thing even though worry is most often motivated by fear.

Matthew 6:31 – 34, “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

We also have authority. Just like our own children have authority in our houses, we have authority in our Father’s house.

Romans 8:14 – 17,  For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

We have authority over the devil and his demons, but we do not just have this authority, we have the responsibility to use this authority. It doesn’t help one bit that we have authority but never use it. It’s like having a car and keeping it parked in the garage for one day. When one day comes the battery will be flat and we will have forgotten how to drive.

In verse 15 of Romans 8, it says we can call out “Abba, Father.” We therefore have the right to intimacy with God.  Abba is the term for father in the Aramaic language which Jesus spoke while on earth. In English it would be Daddy, and is not only used as a child-like term but an intimate name for a father. We can approach our Father the way a child approaches a loving dad here on earth; with confidence that we won’t be rejected.

We have the right to healing.

Isaiah 53:5, By His stripes we are healed.

I realize that not everybody is healed when they pray for healing and I really can’t explain it, but I do believe we have the right to be healed.

The last right I am going to touch on in the time I have available is peace. Peace is a fruit of the Spirit and is also mentioned many time is the Bible.

Psalm 29:11, The Lord will bless His people with peace.

Philippians 4:6-7,  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This verse also touches on anxiety and fear. Our greatest enemy is fear. The devil wants us to live in fear so that we don’t claim the rights God has given us. Let us start to exercise these rights and become confident children of the living God.

Choose to praise

Sometimes life becomes totally overwhelming. It feels like we’re living inside a bubble and the bubble is becoming smaller and smaller and the oxygen inside the bubble is being used up as we struggle to be normal.

Lamentations 3:7 – 9, “He has hedged me in so that I cannot get our; he has made my chain heavy. Even as I cry and shout. He shuts out my prayer. He has blocked my ways with hewn stone; He has made my paths crooked.”

I think that’s quite an accurate description of the way we sometimes feel. It feels like there’s no way out of this and things will never change and we will never break out of the chains. But we aren’t really supposed to feel that way. Or if we do, it should only be for a very short time. Later in the same chapter (verse 22 -26) it says, “Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I hope in Him! The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seek Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Jeremiah, to whom Lamentations is ascribed, changed his attitude towards God.

Just like Jeremiah, we have to be willing to change our attitude.

Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

Isaiah 61:3. “To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

When things are really hard, we must praise God.

Philippians 4:4, “Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!”

I know it’s hard to rejoice when you feel down and desperate, and when everything seems to be going wrong. I know it. And it’s not going to get easier. But at least if you’ve tried it a few times you are going to know that it works. Put on praise music. Grab a flag, or a dishcloth or whatever is at hand. Wave it around, jump up and down, dance, sing, whatever works for you. God loves you and He needs you to praise Him. Not for His sake but for yours.

Psalm 30:11, “Then he broke through and transformed my wailing into a whirling dance of ecstatic praise! He has torn the veil and lifted from me the sad heaviness of mourning. He wrapped me in the glory garments of gladness.” (TPT)

Psalm 34:1 -3, “Lord! I’m bursting with joy over what you’ve done for me! My lips are full of perpetual praise. I’m boasting of you and all your works, so let all who are discouraged take heart. Join me, everyone! Let’s praise the Lord together. Let’s make him famous! Let’s make his name glorious to all.” (TLB) (Living Bible)

These verses are so encouraging I feel like dancing now. Both these psalms were written by David and he went through some extremely bad times and difficult, life and death situations. He also had to force himself to praise on the dark days. He had to pick himself up out of despair and failure and start all over again. David was a man after God’s own heart and I think that a lot of it had to do with the fact that he chose to praise God even in the most difficult situations. We can do that too. We can reach out and burst that bubble of oppression that is threatening to strangle us and choose to praise God.

Step out of the boat

Am reading a book and at one point a girl is attacked and severely hurt, but her attackers get away. The setting is quite primitive by today’s standards and well before the days of technology. She recovers from her injuries but her family keeps a close eye on her because they are worried that her assailants will return. One day she says, “you all want me to feel safe, but you want me to live like I am in danger.”

We do that to ourselves all the time. We say that we trust in God, but we live like people who fear. We say that God will provide all our needs but we don’t live like we believe it. We ask Him to protect our loved ones when they travel, but we worry until they let us know that they are safe. We say that we trust him for our health but we don’t live like we believe he will.

We are like Peter when Jesus walked on water. Matthew 14:25-31 “And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is i. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water. He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he heard the wind he was afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me.’ Jesus immediately reached out His hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?””

Sometimes we’re walking on water too, and we feel like we’re invincible because we are so sure everything is going to work out. We know that god is with us and has our backs. But then we see the wind and we are afraid. We are afraid that the sickness that is in remission will return. We are afraid that the finances we are depending on aren’t won’t come through. We are afraid that the relationship we worked so hard on will fall apart. That’s what happens when we take our eyes off Jesus and we see the wind. Fear can be so crippling and so loud that we can’t hear anything over its ferocity. It takes over our whole being until we are convinces we are sinking beneath the waves. All Peter said when fear overtook him was, “Lord, save me!” that’s all we need to say in order for Jesus to reach out his hand and take hold of us. Verse 31 says that Jesus immediately reached out his hand. He didn’t wait until Peter was drowning, he immediately saved him. He didn’t wait until he had built up his faith and fasted and prayed. Jesus immediately reached out His hand to Peter and saved him.

Do we sometimes live as if Jesus isn’t going to stretch out His hand to us? Do we live downtrodden and depressed lives because we hear the wind and allow it to drown out our faith? Do we know we ought to be walking on water but live as if we are sinking beneath the waves? We forget that we should look up and say, “Help me Lord,” and then Jesus’ hand is going to be there immediately to lift us out of the storm.

John 10:28 – 29 – “I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s Hand.” We need to remind ourselves about verses like these when we see and hear the wind. We need to remind ourselves of the times God was faithful when he wind threatens to overwhelm us.

When we step out of the boat onto the water we need to live like overcomers who know that Jesus is right there on the water with us and that He is ready to stretch out His hand at all times. Because He loves us!

Casey and fear

We have a dog, a puppy really, she’s almost 6 months old and she’s huge. When she gets up on her hind legs she puts her two front paws on the garden wall and looks over it. She still has all that puppy boisterousness and is extremely busy. She also wants us to think the she is the boss. Her name is Casey which means vigilant and she lives up to her name, in that very little eludes her watchful eye. At this stage I think she’s just afraid she might miss out on something. We have to be so careful when we open the front gate because she will discern it from wherever she is and come running out of nowhere. If we don’t close the gate very quickly she pushes her way past us and then the game begin, because she’s not coming back in on her own, and she’s certainly not intending getting caught. The devil and his demons are just like Casey. If there’s even a little crack in the door they will see it and try to go inside. The door is your life and it is our responsibility to keep those doors closed. If we do something like getting angry repeatedly, we are opening a door. If we keep being fearful we could end up being a nervous wreck because that door is wide open.

2 Timothy 1:7 says: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.” I know it’s easy to say it when you’re not living in fear. It’s easy to tell it to someone else when you’re not in that situation. I also do know what it feels like to fear. You will do anything and everything to avoid feeling that fear. You will lie in someone’s face if you have to. You will steal and cheat. You will do anything to avoid the fear. Then you will go on living in fear anyway. Fear of the fear, so to speak. Fearing the next situation when the fear will arise. Every time you fear, or lie or cheat or whatever it is you do, you open that door a little wider. Once the crack is big enough the enemy will slip in. Ephesians 4:27 says, “And do not give the devil a foothold.”

Just like Casey comes from out of nowhere to push her way through the gate, the devil will use force to get into that open door. He is not like the Holy Spirit, who is gentle. Ephesians 4;28 – 37 tell you what to do. If you’ve been stealing, stop, and get a job. Don’t let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only speak upbuilding words. Get rid of bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander. And verse 32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as God forgave you.”

I know it didn’t mention fear but Paul is saying that we must stop doing the things which cause us trouble. When I see Casey coming towards the gate I react as fast as I can by slamming the gate closed. That’s what we should do in our lives too.

James 4:7, “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” Shut that gate as firmly and as quickly as you can. Do not go on the path of fear anymore. I overcame my fears by facing up to myself. Yes, that’s right. Myself. I started to realize who I really am and what my true identity in Christ is. I turned away from the lies that the devil was telling me and started to embrace the truths and the promises the word gives me. I discovered that even Abraham was afraid and God said to him in Genesis 15:1, “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.” And that Genesis 18;14 asks, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” In Exodus 14:14 Moses tells the Israelites, “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” This is while the Egyptians were behind  them and the Red Sea was ahead of them.

I learned that I am the head and not the tail when I choose to serve the Lord, and that I shall be blessed going out and coming in.  As I went through the bible I found more and more promises. I know now that even if things get herd, I have nothing to fear. I know that God loves me and cares for me. Two of the most powerful verses I found are the following: Isaiah 5:12 -13, “I, even I, am He ho comforts you, who are you that you should be afraid of a man who will die, and of the son of a man who will be made like grass? And forget your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, because of the fury of the oppressor, when he was prepared to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?”

I recognize when I am slipping and I close the door quickly. And as for Casey? Well, she just needs more training!

Peace in the storm

I’m listening to the thunder and watching lightning streak across the grey sky. Soft rain falling softens the edges just so much. The thunder just cracked so loudly that the doves in the fig trees flew away. I love this weather. It’s loud and vibrant and life-giving. Everything looks clean and smells fresh. I don’t hide from it, rather I embrace it and enjoy it. Can I say the same about the storms in my emotional life? A friend told me that her mother used to run from room to room covering the mirrors when there was a thunder storm. A neighbour used to hide under a bed. When Jesus was in a boat on the stormy sea with His disciples He lay down and went to sleep. They became so afraid that they woke him up and he rebuked the storm. I wonder how the disciples reacted to storms after that day. Were they still afraid or did they remember what Jesus had done and put their trust in Him?

We have all been through storms in our lives, big ones, small ones, bad ones and long ones that felt like they were never going to end. Sometimes they’re just a storm in a teacup and they’re over almost before they begin. Whatever the nature of the storm, it’s not really the storm that’s the problem, our reaction to the storm is what determines the outcome. Do we rush around trying to cover the ‘mirrors’ which we think will attract more trouble? Or do we simply hide our heads in the sand and wish the storm will go away? Maybe we frantically confront anyone who is willing to listen to our troubles. We could withdraw from the world and sit and worry. Which of these methods will make the storm pass? Not one. They are going to have no influence at all. Well they wouldn’t have an influence on the troubles we’re facing, but they might make our lives even more difficult, and even the lives of those around us. No amount of manipulation, worry or shouting is going to do the slightest bit of good.

Psalm 32:6 – 7: For this cause everyone who is godly shall pray to You in a time when you may be found; Surely in a flood of great waters They shall not come near him. You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.

I think these verses make it very plain. We need to trust God and not worry or rant and rave or blame or manipulate. We just have to embrace Jesus in the storm and we will come out whole on the other side. If we hold on to Jesus in the storm we will be able to get through it without fear. We will grow in the storm because storms are loud and vibrant and life-giving.

Build that wall

The wind was blowing yesterday. Hard and cold. We live in a temperate climate therefore it was very hard and very cold by our standards. I woke up during the night and heard something that sounded like the wind. When I looked out of the window everything was quiet. Obviously I don’t sleep with my hearing aids in and sounds tend to become a little distorted so it could have been trucks driving through town or even the compressors of refrigeration trucks that were parked overnight. Whatever the noise was though, it was not what I thought it was.

Life is a lot like that. Things are very often not what they seem to be. Especially in the political situation we find ourselves in. Yesterday I read that more than 60 railway coaches have been burned out in Cape Town since the beginning of this year. The reasons are as varied but most of them have nothing to do with Spoornet (the railway company). The people who have the contract to supply railway vehicles benefit from it so who knows? The Bloemfontein City Hall was set on fire 2 days ago because the municipal workers apparently didn’t receive the wage increase that they were demanding. The cost of restoring that building will be a drain on city funds making wage increases even more difficult. When people don’t get what politicians promised them they burn tyres, block the main roads and loot shops. The motorists who use those roads mostly have no influence at all with the government department who promised the housing. The owner of the shop which gets emptied is not even affiliated to a political party and is just trying to raise a family by being an entrepreneur. Things don’t make sense and I have realized that, just like the wind which wasn’t the wind, things are very often not what they seem.
In Isaiah 11:3 the Bible says:
“and he will delight in the fear of the Lord. He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears;”
When Nehemiah was rebuilding Jerusalem there were enemies plotting against him to try to stop him. They kept sending him messages in an attempt to intimidate him. He realized what their plan was and refused to meet with them. This is what he replied to them, “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; You are just making it up in your head.” Nehemiah realized that they were just trying to cause them to revert into a state of fear and not be able to do any work.
When Nehemiah went to see his friend Shemaiah, this friend tried to trick him into hiding in the temple to avoid being attacked and killed at night. Before he went to Shemaiah he prayed to God saying, “Now strengthen my hands.” Nehemiah realized that Shemaiah was trying to cause him harm.
Nehemiah 6:12 – 13 “I realized that God had not sent him, but that he had prophesied against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. He had been hired to intimidate me so that I would commit a sin be doing this, and then they would give me a bad name to discredit me.”
Nehemiah was using discernment. He prayed and asked God to strengthen his hands, but more than just his hands were strengthened. He had the gift of discernment. James chapter 1 verse 5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
When all these political crimes happen, when farmers get killed on their farms without apparent reason, when little girls and babies are raped and killed, when property is destroyed, it is easy to fall into fear. It is so easy to let fear take you hostage and to become a prisoner in your own house. We aren’t only scared by political problems and crime. Every day things happen that can cause us to become fearful. Our children can become sick or street dangerously off course. Death, divorce, unfaithfulness, retrenchment, the list is endless.
John 1:12, “Yet to all who received him (Jesus), to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God-” If you were the natural child of a king you would not be expected to live in fear. You would have rights and privileges that others normal citizens would not have. You would have free access to the king and be able to ask his advice at any time. Just like that, if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your saviour, you have access to God (The King and Creator of the Universe) at all times. You can ask Him whatever you want and He will answer you. In His Word it says “do not fear” 365 times. Once for every day of the year.
We have to learn to live as overcomers, as victors, as fearless royalty. We have to ask for wisdom and apply it, we have to discern when things aren’t as they seem to be. We have to be the light in the world and not hide in fear. Are we going to allow fear to paralyse us or are we going to do what Nehemiah did and fearlessly complete the task that he knew was his to do? Let us live lives that reflect the glory of God and let us enjoy every bit of it.

To forgive …

I am at the shop and my plan was to get my admin up to date. I have a cup of coffee next to me, Jesus Culture playing on the computer and my mind is everywhere, except where its supposed to be. I started thinking about what forgiveness is all about  so I wrote a poem. . All of us, at various stages of our lives have issues with forgiveness. Here it is, please give me feedback about your own experiences with forgiving.

FORGIVENESS

 

Holding onto the past is what I do

Remembering every word and deed

Going over it every day

It soon becomes a great, ugly need

 

The alternative is unthinkable

How can anyone, most of all God, expect

Me to let go of what hurt me so much

As if nothing was ever there?

 

How can I say it’s all over?

How can I live without the pain

That has been part of me for so long?

How? I ask you how is it done?

 

I cannot even start to think where to begin

How do I start to leave it all behind?

My life will be emptied of all the grief

But will there be anything at all left behind?

 

Will I not then be just an empty vessel

Making a lot of noise?

The pain has sustained me and I thought,

Given me good reason to be alive.

 

“Take My hand my child and turn your back

On all the pain and hate,

Take my hand and follow Me

I bore it all for you on a cross on Calvary”

 

My body is trembling at the words I hear

My voice is breaking,

The fear of letting go is too strong but

My heart is crying out for the freedom I need

 

Father, You say I must forgive

But how? How can I say its all OK?

They hurt me so bad, I never was the same

Life is not fair, I did not deserve the pain

 

“Follow Me,” I heard it again

I listened to my heart.

I needed to be free and not caught up

In this trap of fear and hurt

 

Here I am Lord, take me just as I am

Ugly and broken and full of scars

Lonely and hurting with my life in a mess

I sob till the tears wash the mud off my face

 

“That is the only way I ever could.

You are now ready to be washed clean

With My precious blood

Just like all those who are weary.”

 

I have forgiven those I thought I never could

I have put the past where it belongs

I have become a new creature

The kind of perfect imperfection Jesus wants

 

My sins are forgiven, my life is empty

Of all the hate and grief and mud

I am a person proud to call

Jesus my Saviour and my Lord

 

All the ugly has been purged

And even though I thought emptiness

Would be the replacement

I’m all filled up with love